When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
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I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
3% human
97% stress
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.