She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
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My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”