The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
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Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*