why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
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meanwhile over on facebook
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
🙂🙃🥹
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
What’s this sorcery? 😂