E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
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my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
You are what you delete.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
yeet
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
no such thing as a dumb question
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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