This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Ha.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.