The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
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I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
constantly working on myself.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Who’s your best friend?
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee