When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?