Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Liam Neeson is like Super Mario who keeps saving a chick who keeps getting kidnapped but instead of mushrooms he’s really into phone calls.