suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
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“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
asked my bf how work was today
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.