Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
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JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.