me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
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I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
guilty
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.