Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
What?!?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.