I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
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My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Can Happiness buy money?
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?