WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
You Might Also Like
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails