Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
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Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
*seductively eats two tums*
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.