Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
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DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I’m confused about plants
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.