Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
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What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
dam girl
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.