My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
You Might Also Like
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
😆this is so true
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
jesus, what did this guy do
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
If you know, you know
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
My background check bounced.