skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
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i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.