Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
Blocked: 1985
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
Like sleeping!
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.