Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.