70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
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“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Natty or not?
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
WTF IS THAT!
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I’m sure it’s fine.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?