I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
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HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I wish this was real life…
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
the Monday after daylight savings
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love