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We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
This makes total sense…
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.