When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
