My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
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Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
me hooking up with my ex
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Dear Lord..
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES