44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs