got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Cop: where ya headed?
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time