How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter