“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.