If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
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WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.