[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.