Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
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*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
spot the difference
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this: