Me: So,… tell me a little bit about yourself

Date: I’m a small fruit that grows on a tree!


[Brings date back to my place]

Date: It’s kinda cold in here

Me: Why don’t you join me under this blanket?

Date: eh..I dunno

Me: *shaking mom awake* can you scooch over abit


Me: [On Mars] *opening a bag of chips*

My Dog: *blasts off from earth*


Watching my former girlfriend with binoculars is ex-sighting


[Magician Convention]

Dave: My signature trick Is making anything disappear

Tom: [holding cup] make my tea disappear..

Dave: Ok.. [waves hand].. it is done!

om: [holding cup] But.. it didn’t work!


Me: *flirting* “So…, Where are you from?”

Girl: “Abroad”

Me: “I also come from a woman”


[First day in bomb squad]

*Woman crying infront of blown up house*

ME : *putting an arm around her shoulders*
“I think this belonged to your husband”