I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on