[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous