Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’