Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
You Might Also Like
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Dance like you’re not the father
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀