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Page of OfficialMizGin's best tweets

@OfficialMizGin : Annoying guy trying to hit on me: This is like a scene from a romantic movie.

Me: Yeah, I’m the iceberg and you’re the Titanic.


@OfficialMizGin: I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

@OfficialMizGin: My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

@OfficialMizGin: I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

@OfficialMizGin: Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

@OfficialMizGin: Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

@OfficialMizGin: My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

@OfficialMizGin: There’s nothing more disappointing for a woman than finding out a bearded guy in a flannel shirt is a hipster and not a lumberjack.

@OfficialMizGin: My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

@OfficialMizGin: Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.