My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
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The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
estão todos miauvindo?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
reviewed some movies recently
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.