just got my engagement photos
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Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
we all know this pain all too well
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.