Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
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Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
So we got a goldfish…
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.