me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
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What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here