Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand