My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
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Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht