Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.