Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.