Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.