Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬